Group Therapy
by Leaper
Summary: Ralph takes a peek into other support groups. A blatant excuse to cram in a bunch of jokes and references that probably only video gamers like me will laugh at.


"RUN, COWARD!"

Ralph laughed. "If I don't, I'm gonna miss my ride. I'll see you next week, Sinistar."

"MAYBE. I MIGHT HAVE MAINTENANCE. GOT A LOT OF PARTS TO KEEP LUBED UP, Y'KNOW. SEE YOU LATER, RALPH."

Ralph shook his head with a smile as he left the room. The constantly rotating attendance at his support group meetings was one of the best parts of attendance: being able to meet a wide variety of characters who could actually _understand_ his life situation, what he was going through. Well, most of them, anyway; Adon still sometimes disrupted meetings with dirty jokes at the expense of others. His last one about Poison was particularly... tasteless. Still, it was an overall positive experience, one he wouldn't trade for anything...

"Ralph!"

He turned at his name; when he saw the speaker, his face brightened. "Hey, Roll! How're you?" One of the best things about the crossover fighting game craze was the influx of established characters who really added something new to the world. Roll was one of his favorites.

"I'm doing great, thanks!" the domestic robot said cheerfully. "Actually, I kind of need to ask you a favor. Rock - I mean Mega Man [she added unnecessarily; Ralph knew that if he could keep who was Vega and who was Balrog straight, he could keep track of a few "real names"] - and I were going to start in on Mega Man 11, and I need someone to fill in for my support groups tomorrow."

That was Roll - programmed to nurture. Ever since her arrival, she'd taken on literally dozens of support groups, leading everything from the 3D Polygon meetings to the Bullet Hell Pilots of Japan chats. Ralph rubbed the back of his head. "Gee, I dunno... I'm more of a goer, not a leader..."

"Oh, it'll be fine! They'll practically lead themselves. All you have to do is keep order and listen! No one will want to mess with you, and I know you're a good listener!" Ralph blushed at the compliment. Then Roll started batting her anime eyes. "Pleeeeeaase?" Ralph knew then he was sunk. Ah, well, how hard could it be?

* * *

**9:00: Shotoclones Anonymous**

"See, here's the part that really bugs me," Spider-Man griped. "I've been in print for fifty years. I've been in movies, had my own TV series..."

"Musical..." Terry Bogard muttered under his breath with a smirk.

Spider-Man shot him a glare (or so Ralph assumed; it was hard to tell with the mask) and continued. "But get me into a video game, and what happens? 'Web Ball!' 'Web Ball'! 'Spider Sting'! It's humiliating, I tell you!" Johnny Cage nodded in sympathy. "And don't get me started on the whole 'being associated with clones' thing..."

"Yes! That is the word! Humiliating!" One of the other attendees stood. "I am Morrigan Aensland, seducer of souls, princess of the Makai! I am not some repetitive, fireball launching, uppercutting bimbo! I am not to be played merely to watch my boobs bounce! That's Felicia's job!"

"At least you two are top tier characters," Sean said darkly. "I couldn't even get a win in my _own ending_! _Meu deus_, where is the justice?"

"Boy," Ralph thought, "I thought I had it bad..."

"Hey, I've always wondered," Spider-Man said to Cyclops. "How the heck DO you shoot an Optic Blast taller than you are?"

* * *

**10:00: Animal Partners: Helping the Heroes, Helping Ourselves**

"Ruff! Bow wow!" Poppy declared.

"Woof woof! Woof!" Rush countered.

"Uh... Good point," Ralph said helplessly. "So... um... What do the rest of you think?"

"Yip! Woof!" Rush continued.

"Mew! Hsssss!" Tango cut in.

The Duck Hunt dog snickered.

"Skreeee!" Mamahaha argued.

"Grrrrr. Bark!" Treble sneered.

There were growls at this. Hackles were raised. Ralph's heart pounded; he had _no _idea what was going on, but he knew it was getting ugly. "Okay, let's take it easy..." Fortunately, fate offered a distraction.

There was a puff of smoke in the seat next to them. Suddenly, the strange frog that had been sitting there was gone, replaced by... something else.

"Oh, thank the seas," Rikuo gasped. He rose. "Excuse me." He left with as much dignity as he could muster.

* * *

**12:00: Yeah, We're a Mortal Kombat Ripoff; Whaddya Gonna Do About It?**

"It really was an underrated game," Chief Thunder said seriously. "All anyone talks about are voiceovers and Orchid's breasts, but there was a level of game play that..."

"ULTRA COMBOOOOOOOOO!" Everyone turned and glared. "Heh, sorry," Rancid said sheepishly. "Couldn't resist."

* * *

**1:30: SNK Villains: An Unfair Boss Support Group**

"...and they make unflattering references to this vessel's gender, calling me 'tramp' and 'bitch'!" Mizuki bristled. "We demons do not make such petty distinctions! And is it MY fault that they cannot dodge a simple boomeranging sphere of explosive death?"

"Hear hear," Rugal muttered.

"..." Kuroko agreed.

Ralph turned to a familiar face from his own group sessions. "Magneto? Did you have anything to add?"

"God forbid I interrupt," came the sarcastic reply. "Whyever would I want to take time from the _SNK_ bosses?"

"Oh, stop being so oversensitive," Igniz snorted. "Capcom makes some... moderately difficult bosses."

Magneto leaped to his feet, eyes flashing, his hands awash in glowing purple energy. Ralph quickly scooted his chair towards the wall to get out of the way of the inevitable fireworks.

* * *

**2:30: Game Announcers: Taking It Down a Notch  
**

"FINISH HIM!"

"BOOM SHAKA LAKA!"

"SKATE OR DIE!"

"BIG MONEY! BIG PRIZES! I LOVE IT!"

Ralph read his magazine contentedly, pausing only to adjust his earmuffs.

* * *

**4:00: Fitting Together: Tetris Pieces Unite!**

"Look, I'm not saying I'm the most _important_ piece..." the I shape began.

"Oh, you're not, are you?" the Z piece said sarcastically.

"But the name of the game _is_ Tetris. If any of _you_ can make a Tetris, I'd be glad to see how."

"Fine, that's the truth, and we can all live with that," backwards L snapped. "But do we _have _to listen to your endless grandstanding and put up with your arrogance?"

"Arrogance? All I'm doing is pointing out..."

"Which you do CONSTANTLY!"

"Guys..." Ralph stood in a valiant attempt to use his bulk to draw attention and release some of the increasing pressure, but the pieces were having none of this.

"You're one to talk! You're the cause of most gaps as it is!"

"Maybe if everyone weren't so obsessed with YOU..."

"Oh, so now it's the players' fault, is that it? Way to pass the buck there, dude!"

"No one loves me!" the block piece wailed.

"You want a piece of me?!"

"You already ARE a piece!"

"That does it! C'mon, you inflexible son of a bitch! Bring it on!"

Ralph cringed as the pieces converged on each other, swinging and screaming and stomping. Fortunately, before Ralph could dive in to break up the fracas, they formed three lines in the melee, making most of them disappear.

"Uh..." one of the individual blocks said. "I think we're done for today."

"Yeah," Ralph sighed, "I think so."

* * *

"I heard you did great, Ralph!" Roll declared the next day.

"I sure don't feel like it. I don't know how you do it, Roll; I'm still exhausted!"

"Well, everyone appreciated what you did! Say, if I ever need a vacation, can I...?"

"Uh... I'll have to think about it."

"Oh! Sure! See you later, Ralph! Thanks again!" Ralph watched Roll skip away and heaved a relieved sigh as he headed towards his group meeting. He had a lot on his mind about being a villain, and he looked forward to expressing his feelings and misgivings. He was just glad that the whole support group leader thing was over - he _never_ wanted to shoulder that kind of responsibility again...


End file.
